Does Toxic Masculinity Exist?
Photo: Ingo Stiller“…when left unchecked, the masculine impulse (if we can call it that) antagonizes, exploits, oppresses, and destroys. So what’s the alternative to extreme, unbridled masculinity?”
The concept of “toxic masculinity” has been around since the 80’s but I first heard it mentioned only a few years ago. After encountering the term a few times, I finally decided to ask a female colleague if she could define it for me. She didn’t get very far in her explanation before I burst out laughing. My colleague, a proud feminist, wasn’t impressed.
“What’s so funny?” she asked, justifiably weary of my reaction.
“Well,” I said, “I’m familiar with what you’re describing, but I know it under a different name.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“Masculinity,” I replied.
She furrowed her brow in confusion, so I elaborated.
“Calling it toxic is like saying ‘illegal crime.’ Of course it’s illegal - it’s a crime!”
Now it was her turn to laugh. “So you’re saying that all masculinity is toxic? Surely there’s such a thing as healthy, non-toxic masculinity?” she countered.
I used to think so, yes, but in the years since this conversation I’ve given the question a great deal of thought and today, I’m not so sure. More and more, I feel that there’s a fatal flaw in the concept of toxic masculinity; that the term somehow manages to entrench itself in the very behavior that makes it toxic in the first place. Allow me to elaborate.
While the term is accurate in its assessment—the qualities and behaviors described are indeed toxic—it’s also misleading. It implies that there is an alternative form of masculinity that is healthy as opposed to toxic and in so doing masks what is an otherwise simple solution to the problem. Here is my thesis: without moderation—without balance—masculinity is toxic. Period. Just look at the patriarchal world in which we live and you will see: when left unchecked, the masculine impulse (if we can call it that) antagonizes, exploits, oppresses, and destroys. So what’s the alternative to extreme, unbridled masculinity? How can a man restore balance within himself and stop perpetuating toxic beliefs and behaviors? In other words, how can a man “detoxify” his masculinity and become a healthy, well-rounded, balanced human being?
By embracing the sacred feminine within!
The solution to so-called toxic masculinity isn’t “healthy” masculinity: it’s femininity. That’s the missing ingredient.
By asserting the existence of “toxic” masculinity, we are further ignoring the cure, which lies beyond masculinity altogether. Every man has a feminine side but as boys we’re conditioned to regard this part of ourselves as shameful, defective, a sign of weakness. As a young man, put-downs and one-upmanship were hallmarks of my male friendships. In my small group of friends, it was normal to trade insults; to bring up embarrassing stories and humiliate one another; to call each other names; to ridicule and demean each other – and more often than not, we used feminine terms to achieve the desired effect.
“Don’t be a such a little bitch.”
“Why are you acting like such a pussy?”
“Look! He’s crying like a girl.”
These lines serve as a poignant illustration of masculine indoctrination. My friends and I never wondered why calling someone a female reproductive organ was insulting. We never pondered why accusing your friend of being a “little bitch” was so demeaning. We never knew why we felt ashamed to cry or show emotional vulnerability, especially in front of other men. We never knew, never asked, and never considered the implications. Aggressive, misogynistic, sexist, and homophobic behavior is excused with a wave of the hand – boys will be boys! But so-called “feminine” qualities and behavior? Those are unacceptable.
Real men don’t cry. Real men don’t talk about their feelings. Real men don’t wear pink. Why not? Because these are qualities and beahviours typically associated with women, and if a man embodies any trace of these then his very identity as a man is called into question.
And herein lies the root of the problem: pure masculinity is toxic because its existence requires the suppression of the feminine impulse that exists within each man. And since we humans shape the outer world according to the inner, the suppression of the feminine within spills out into the outer world of culture, politics, and economics. Men who deny and suppress the feminine within inevitably suppress and deny the feminine without. They display sexist, misogynistic, homophobic behavior. They do whatever they can to control and restrict women’s freedom to choose for themselves how they dress, speak, look, what they do with their bodies, and with whom they associate. What better way to control your own feminine impulse than by ruthlessly oppressing the women in your life and community?
For me, the road to becoming a balanced human being – that is, someone who embodies and embraces both masculine and feminine energy openly, without shame or embarrassment – started when I became a parent. Since the birth of my first child, I have experienced many revelations about myself, my masculine indoctrination, and the immense creative power and beauty of the sacred feminine. But perhaps the most profound and noteworthy revelation has been the discovery of this power and beauty in myself. I have discovered aspects of myself I never knew existed, a reserve of kindness and patience, and a nurturing tendency that lay dormant for decades of my life. And these discoveries have brought delight to my heart.
Whereas as a young man the thought of embodying feminine qualities would have been mortifying, I now see that it is precisely these qualities that bring out the best in me.
